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Dan Foster's Journal
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Date:2014-08-25 19:52

Without the influence of drugs/alcohol I thought about taking a dive off of the parking garage today. I don't even think that there would be any pain at all. Dead on impact I would hope. Life has just lacked luster lately. I'm ready to get out of this job... maybe that might help. I just feel like a piss-on. My worth in this world is so minimal at most... At most... people will remember me as a nice guy... but I'm not so nice anymore... I wish I was, but I can't help but feel bitterness and anger (so EMO of me). I have a girlfriend too, and that dear girl loves me. I really wish I could reciprocate that... she so does deserve it... but I'm just too fucking depressed most of the time to feel anything beyond what could be considered a "normal" mood. In order to fix that... I don't even know where to begin... or if I have the courage. Sometimes I really feel like I'd rather drown than ask for help. Asking for help is embarassing to me.

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Date:2014-08-06 23:16

I am happier now.

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Date:2014-04-29 01:14

Darts took too long and I couldn't get my hot wings from Hannaford! The lesson here is ALWAYS get your hot wings before darts.

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Date:2014-04-26 21:43

Poor Beth... Sometimes I really wish I stayed with her because she was everything I wanted in a girl, but she had a child, and a child is someone I am not looking for in a relationship, and I realize that now. I just hope she finds her dream soon.

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Date:2014-04-22 23:56

When I wake up I'm afraid someone else will take my place.
And they did.

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Date:2014-04-02 22:49

It's come to light recently that some people that I thought were my friends are not really my friends, and there's some two-faced people, out to kick me while I'm already down... It's hard to trust people, mainly women. It's like they all want to play head games with me. They all know what I went through but probably don't realize what I'm still going through. I've been out of my relationship with B for half a year now... doesn't seem like it's been that long, and damn it's left it's mark on me forever. It was my fault mainly for what happened, but there's that slight bitterness that comes with that, and every girl I've met since then, except for Beth, has lead to nothing but hurt, and so it's hard for me to trust women, and has made me less approachable, maybe I'll just hide in my dark corner and wait for my dark end... it might be soon if I keep going down this path.

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Date:2014-03-26 10:00

I'm just going to drink myself to death... seems to be my fate. And why not, with the world going to hell and no one in my life that can give me what I used to have, or what I need.

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Date:2014-03-26 09:55

Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear
I'll disappear without a fucking trace
Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away
I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So I could be no one again
And never let nobody,
I'd let nobody
I'd let nobody in
So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feel like a book that can't be read,
A book that can't be,
A book that can't be read

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Date:2008-09-26 17:09
Subject:Major head-trip

Going back here is like being in an old, worn down house that you used to live in. And it's haunted.

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Date:2007-02-08 00:22

You believed in movements none could see.
you believed in me.
A passionate spirit.
Boundless and open.
A light in your eyes.
Then immobilized.
Fell at the hands
of those movements that I wouldn't see.
yet it was you who prayed for me.
So what have I done to be son to an angel?
What have I done To be worthy?

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents.
Difficult to see you in this light
Please forgive this selfish question, but...
What am I to say to all these ghouls tonight?
"She never told a lie.
Well, might of told a lie, but never lived one."
"Didn't have a life, didn't have a life, but surely saved one."
See? I'm alright.
Now it's Time for us to let you go.

10,000 DAYS

Listen to the tales and romanticize how we'd follow the path of the hero.

Boast about a day when the rivers over run how we'd rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize our way into the arms of the savior.

Feigning all the Trials and tribulations but none of us have actually been there. Not like you.

Ignorant siblings and the congregation gather round spewing sympathy.
Spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But enough about the collective Judas.

Who could deny you were the one who illuminated your little piece of the divine?

This little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me,
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you Safely On your way.
Your way home.

What are they gonna do when the lights go down without you to guide them all to Zion?

What are they gonna do when the river's over run other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes upon the ground.
You were the light and the way that they'll only read about.
I only pray heaven knows when to lift you out.
10 thousand days in the fire is long enough.
You're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high, shake your fist at the gates, saying,
"I've come home.
now... Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now.
My time now.
Give me my wings."

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance(with the )burden of proof
tossed upon the believers,
You were my witness, my eyes, and my evidence.
Judith Marie.
Unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescents.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion,
but should you see your makers face tonight...
Look him in the eye. Look him in the eye.
Tell him,
"I never lived a lie, never took a life,
but surely saved one.
It's time for you to bring me home."

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Date:2006-10-20 01:53
Subject:Lyrics to the new NIN song.
Mood: bored

So today I spent an excessive amount of time on youtube.com watching bootleg videos from NIN shows, Tool shows, and all kinds of other videos. I then found the video for this NIN song that I heard at their show in Portland, that I really liked, so I found out that the name of the song was called Non-Entity, which I've posted lyrics for below. I hope they put their song on their next release. I also viewed the trailer for the new NIN DVD due in early 2007, and it looks quite promising. Also I found an unofficial video for "The Day The World Went Away", and learned that it's an "easter egg" on the NIN "And All That Could Have Been" DVD. I learned how to access these easter eggs and I found a hidden performance of the song "Reptile", "Stafuckers, Inc." with an appearance by Marilyn Manson, followed up by "The Beautiful People", and alas the "The Day The World Went Away" video. Pretty neat stuff!

The sky is not the same shade of blue
Every single thing I believe isn’t true
Missing in the maze of monochrome
How did I get here, how can I go home

The echoes in my eyes, of all they used to see
Burning down the world, the ashes and debris
And all that’s left to me, non-entity…

Try to stand the line, try to obey
The ghost of what I was keep getting in the way
Staring at the sun, I’m blinded by the light
Now I’m afraid I’m fading out of sight

The echoes in my eyes, of all they used to see
Burning down the world, the ashes and debris
And all that’s left of you, and all that’s left of me
All have washed away, non-entity...

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Date:2006-07-13 00:51
Subject:Another Sketchy Night
Mood: awake

People really fucking suck when they're drunk sometimes. So first I get some prank call from a restricted number on my cell phone. When I picked up the first couple of times it was just someone rubbing something against the phone, and then I let them leave a voicemail. It was some girl with a really babyish voice saying something about my penis being so big it has an area code, and something about someone looking for penises and then they left some number saying that they wanted to "get together." Fuckin' weird. So eventually I got bored and I knew that there were a bunch of people (Jay, Preston, some random thug life, Randy, and Punsky, and supposedly Marcus) over Ryan's apartment. So I grabbed a couple of beers and headed over to hang out for a bit. So the second I walk into the apartment, Ryan see's me, and FREAKS out and gets SO excited that I came over and stumbles over to me asking for a hug like I was Jesus Christ or something. He and everyone else there were REALLY trashed. So I asked if Marcus was around, because Marcus doesn't drink or anything like that so I wanted to hang out with him a little, to have a sober person to talk with. Well Ryan suddenly got extremely offended, SCREAMING out something about people coming to his apartment shouldn't ask about other people, and that they should just be there to hang out with him (Ryan). So then he proceeded to swear and punch his refrigerator as hard as he could (his knuckle was purple and badly swollen within five minutes). He then was ranting something about having sex with some girl named Kristen, and said it was the "sweatiest" sex he'd ever had. So anyways there was some thug life there that no one really knew, he was just kinda there. I guess he was getting ready to leave with Ryan to get more "bitches". Well anyway, Jay and Preston started hitting each other with punches/slaps to the face for like a minute, and they were stomping on the floor as they did it. Then I slowly went towards the door, and Ryan and the unknown thug started arguing about God-knows-what. Basically Ryan was drunk enough to think everything said to him was a threat. So they are yelling at each other, and they started threating to kick the shit out of each other, so that's when I said "this shit's to wild for me. Peace". I was out the door and back on my street within three minutes. Well, to top it off, it was pouring outside and I had to stand there and throw sticks and Kevin's and my parents windows, trying to wake them up, because I had no keys with me to unlock the front door. So after about 5 minutes of getting drenched my Dad woke up and let me in, so I could come onto this site and tell you my tale.

In other news, I work one more day (Saturday) and then I'm on vacation. YAY!!!! Nine Inch Nails is done touring now and I'm hoping they put out their new album reletively soon.

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Date:2006-06-28 14:05
Subject:This Is For Ewic
Mood: restless


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Date:2006-06-28 01:20
Mood: bored

Well here I am again. Bored. Lonely. I went out tonight and saw the new Superman movie. It was decent but they definately focused too much on Lois and Superman's relationship/love life. In other news the camping trip that I've been looking forward to since March has been cancelled due to the VERY inconvenient shitty-ass weather. Of course now the day we were supposed to come back from the trip (today) had to be fucking beautiful. Then I was going to go to Fort Williams tomorrow but no no noooo the weather has to go back into "ruin your fucking plans" mode. The last thing I'm going to bitch about is the fact that I have to go back to work on Friday, and the only thing during my vacation that went according to plan was seeing Nine Inch Nails Wednesday at the Civic Center. Now THAT was totally excellent. Trent is the man. I can't describe how good that show was. Well tomorrow I have a work barbeque to go to because it's for my former manager, and I'm going to go because he's cool. Then Briana gets out of work and her, Leighann and I were supposed to go to Fort Williams but now I'm not quite sure what we're going to do since it's supposed to rain. Rain rain go away come again some other WEEK! Well I'm off to bed now. Peace.

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Date:2006-06-10 23:20

Westbrook can be such a weird fucked up place to live in at times. So much drama in my family too.

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Date:2006-05-16 00:34
Mood: energetic

This summer is going to be a good one. First I get to look forward to celebrating Briana and I's 2 year mark. I still love her more than anything! Then I get to look forward to the upcoming NIN concert, which will DEFINATELY kick ass, although Bauhaus isn't going to be playing with them. I wish I could go to the Ministry/REVCO show but I'm pretty sure by now that it's sold out. Their new cd is HARDCORE! Hopefully I'll be going to Tool once they put up more dates. The NIN concert will once again kick off another vacation from work, during which I will be camping with my best friends (Eric & Randy A.K.A. Otis). Maybe Mark and Eric might come along again. Who knows? Not me. I have to say however that we always have a hell of a time, and THIS time the drinking will be legal. Then will come all the nice various activities... Fort Williams, Reid State Park, the Bars, barbeques, Dennys, bowling, and so on. Let the fun begin. Enough with all this rain already. ICK!

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Date:2005-11-11 23:59
Subject:Are You Sure What Side Of The Cage You Are On?
Mood: bored

Wow. I haven't updated since frickin' July. Let's see what's new with the D F. Well to kick off my recent vacation, Eric, Randy and I went to Boston via Amtrak to see Nine Inch Nails. It was such an awesome show and I had been waiting years to see them and I'm really happy that I finally did. They played all the songs that I had hoped to hear out of the 24 songs they played. Nice. In other news I'm waiting to hear back from SMCC. I'm excited to go to school again because Hannaford sucks and I need to find a job in a field that I actually enjoy, that being architecture. I'm still with my girlfriend Briana and were going on 17 months TOMORROW, and I just love her to pieces. I'm turning 21 on the 22nd. I'm pretty excited about it. Also the new SOAD CD comes out along with War Of The Worlds. That day's gonna kick ass. Well I guess I'm gonna go play some San Andreas because I'm bored.

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Date:2005-07-05 00:10
Subject:BJs R US

So I'm here at my girlfriends house. She just got a laptop. Earlier we were at the Promenade watching the fireworks. They're fucking awesome. This summer has been very fun so far and I plan to do a lot of fun things with my friends and with my girlfriend. A couple weeks ago Eric, Randy, Kevin, Mark, Eric G and I went to Twin Brooks up by little Sebago. It was pretty fun for real. Camping kicks ass, except we're never going to that place again because it cost us a total of 91 dollars. In other news, I got my license and I'm on the road so look out ya'll. Nahh j/k I'm a good driver. I'm planning on attending SMCC this fall so I can do something with architecture. Well all in all life's been good and I hope for it to stay this way. I'm sure I'll be back at another point in time to update.

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Date:2005-04-18 22:59

Man my stereo finally had to go and die on me. I don't think I'll be able to go a single night without music. I'll probably have to steal my brother's radio. Can't wait until my power supply arrives. My computer will be superior. HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA! Well, I'd love to stay and update ya'll with what I've been up to in the past year or so, but I just don't go online as much anymore because my current computer sucks. I'll have to hook the new one up to the internet. Hmmm. Well have a good one then. LATER.

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Date:2004-06-29 00:05

If there is someone you can't stop thinking about post this in your livejournal.

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my journal